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Mood - Minus 100 degrees . Cold.


I wake up, scared.
I don't want to leave the comfort of my bed. I don't sleep at all otherwise.
It really takes a lot of willpower to study by yourself all these 18 subjects. Easier said than done. I try studying using various methods but fall flat on my face. But the attempts I makes way to  the next step.

I was supposed to waltz through the study plan , not stumble.
I don't understand the 12-18hrs per day strategy. The dreamy heads like me lose focus after 10 minutes straight.In 12 hrs I have dreamt over 12thousand times.
I was supposed to be a tidal wave of energy , not the tired bag of bones and cellulite.

Studying on the bed , studying on the reading table have cancelled each other. Nothing helps. 

Discussions with friends end up with endless gossips.
I am afraid, unready, hoping that no one saw behind the facade of calm. I know that the world expects you to have it all figured out, that there's a reason a quarter life crisis isn't a thing.
The worst part is convincing yourself that your competition is with who you were yesterday and not with anybody else. Neither with the friend who finished 10 chapters today nor with the one who has not even started.

I wonder if it was stupid to believe that I could forge my own path through uncharted terrain. I wonder, till my mind begs me to stop. It tries to explain me that I either need food , sleep or a banter . But I cannot. I seem undeserving of rest.

Insecurity of  juniors outperforming have crept in.

The waist line is in power with the GST.

Need to sum up physical activity and this mental stress despacito. I don't really know how far this is going to help , but just to feel better about myself . I'd want to do it.

But now I looked bruised with a wounded body wondering where it all went wrong.


I trudge down memory lane , and wonder how I already have so many regrets. 

But then if you can't fix it laugh it out or just let it be. 

You can afford to regret only if it can make your rank any better.

You can afford to regret only if it could burn calories.

You can afford to regret only of it could slash down the GST.
Let the regret get a better plan out pf you
Let the regret make your determination stronger
Let the regret help you focus on the target

Too much for the day.
Because with every screw up, with every wound that you lick, you're carving your own path, away from mediocrity. So wear your screw ups like a badge of honour, own them...

 Bye!

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