Skip to main content

When everything gets on your nerves

hey people,

Sometimes fear of exams creeps up on me, making it through my doors of self-love with a carefully crafted key. Those days aren't that bad, I can work through those days. Other times, however, it appears with an army of paranoia, breaking that door away with a hammer, bit by bit. That's the only way I put my panic attacks into words.

I am surrounded by people who say they love and care for me. I am surrounded by positivity and affection, by rainbows and unicorns, by biryani and smoothies and every happy thing that exists in this vast universe. They are reminders that while the deadlines burden me, they don't at least sound like it's the dooms day!

I thought that my anxiety may have been passed down to me, generation after generation. I tried to look at my family tree and try to trace the roots of this paranoia ... But then I saw my face (my father's features and mother's smile), and I remember that anxiety is of least of my inheritance .

The past doesn't leave me, and the future just gets the blood pressure rising. There are plans to execute , the flashback of time wasted. The plans and execution are just not in proportion ! 

I used to distinguish between 'anxiety me' and 'normal me'. I've slowly learned to accept that it is the uninvited relative, in a dark corner in my favourite room- annoying and ever present.

 I've spent nights wishing my anxiety was a physical ailment. Something the world could see, something they could understand. If it was a physical ailment, however, I don't think it would  be the appendix. It would probably be a handicap limb  holding me back I try to march forward. But for the kind of person I am ... I will march forward ,even if it is slow.

Dear anxiety , 
You were the reason I woke up crying, for years before my finals. The reason I saw negativity everywhere I went, my vision clouded with self-doubt. I'm still trying to forgive you and myself for that.

 You're only a room though, you are not the home. You are a part of me. You are not me.

You're the unwanted appendage. Like an appendix, constantly aching but no doctor in the world can carve you out. I'd give anything to cut you away, and leave you rot as I prosper.

Yours but not yours truly!





O

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Experience Based Co Design : BCT Series XXIX

  "Experience-Based Co-Design" we have all witnessed its essence unknowingly . My family home is the example I can reflect on .Growing up I didn't like how my house was designed. We (the whole extended family) wanted my dad to sell the house . Dad let his architect friend design our house and would not sell his house (for obvious reasons!). Mum had to balance out the situation so she decided to make small changes. So, it was one change idea each year .She would talk to us individually and listen to our perspective and review her sphere of influence and the impact /utility the idea had.For my siblings the colors were not welcoming while I pointed the flooring. Mum wanted the stairs to be personalised. My grandparents wanted certain conveniences around the toilets. It took her about 4-5 years to make the house a home that was acceptable . From color preferences to spatial arrangements, each family member contributed insights. The lovely thing about it was , the keystakehold...
6 comments
Read more

" Consulting a psychiatrist would be a question mark on my spirituality " Said the patient.

Hello everybody  I hope everybody is safe and healthy. it's been a while that I've been receiving lot of patients in the emergency with mental illness ,thought of sharing an incident of its kind. Not sure if its the awareness of mental health these days or the pandemic, I am developing keen interest in patients with mental illness .I try to take an extra effort to make them feel comfortable and try to create an insight of what is happening and offer them options of what all can be done.  Since this it seems like a step towards patient care , I thought I'd share it here as well. This would probably not be the best approach but I welcome any type of constructive criticism , additions or subtraction to my approach because end of the day we are here for best patient care. A 50 years plus old gentleman ,presented to the emergency with the complaints of chest pain radiating to left arm , breathing difficulty, choking sensation in the throat, inability to open his ey...
28 comments
Read more

MRCEM OSCE preparation and resources

Hello people Since I have cleared my OSCE in one go, I feel it's my duty to journal what all I have done to make it work.(humble brag).Thanks to ChatGPT for helping me pile up some humble generic sentence to make this blog wholesome.(Just kidding). The MRCEM OSCE exam is an integral part of the qualification which tests the clinical and communication skills of candidates. For Indian students pursuing this qualification, preparing for the MRCEM OSCE exam may seem daunting. However, with a few tips that helped me sail through fine. The thing that helped me the most is acclimatizing myself to the UK Clinical Setting Before appearing for the MRCEM OSCE exam, it is imperative for Indian students to understand the clinical setting in the UK. Sometimes , all they want to see is how you behave , your body language, your tone , and your organising skills. Diagnosis is not a critical thing here. You will not fail if you get a wrong diagnosis provided that you have done it systematically. So ...
2 comments
Read more