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Babysteps towards leadership

Hey everyone
Today the 13th of March 2020 , I begin to write this post. For now the secret is between me and my mind and prolly the device I have in my hand. 

The secret little determination towards something new.
The secret little determination towards something that gives me cold feet. 

The secret little determination towards something that Ive been running away all my life no not wedding, its leadership. 

Be it leading a class , or a batch of medical graduates , the opportunity of leading the gang had come my way multiple times and rejected stating that I was not competent for the post. The confidence has never been there.

I think leadership also has something to do with the upbringing. My parents emphasized me  on minding my own business . So , the courage to be loud , assertive and more importantly lead a pack never came to me . To be simple I never saw myself doing it. 

In present scenario , my mentor initially in my first year of residency  emphasized me on teaching , that was another thing I was reluctant about . No sooner did I jump into it than I started to have fun into it , so much that people had to ask me to go easy on it. 

Next, I was asked to start working on my nightmares being a team leader!  I freaked out , so much that I had night mares , panic attacks ( this was one of the factors though, not entirely) , my health began to deteriorate. Handling such a huge busy ER gave me goose bumps! 

I was given some time to relax , was posted with people I was comfortable with. Slowly , I began to feel better .

Whenever , the word leadership would reach my ears , I would ignore and make a quite exit.

It had been almost 7 months now . I was told I've 40 days to prepare. Freaked me out. Nightmares , Palpitations rewind. 

Again I got called in by my mentor . Got left and right why I was so incompetent as a team leader and why I had never demonstrated my competencies. Why no growth was seen . There should be more than minding your own business.I was giving the ok I'll look into it wala nod. ( Though inside my head , I was least interested in applying it . Because the Heart never wanted it!)

Then there was one thing told by my mentor that made me think.
Everybody is not born with leadership qualities. 
You have to develop them.
When you have so many resources,an  opportunity, why would you not want to learn .

I don't know this gave me a trigger, I began to think ( overthink) about it. I've tried and done things I thought I could never do , be it endotracheal intubation, central lines , normal deliveries. This also can be tough in the beginning but will definitely lead somewhere. 

So with this mindset , I intend to develop leadership qualities. Today its a little secret in my heart to  mind circuit.  Lets see how I get a hang over it. 
I'd post it only when am sure time is right.

So far so much.
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