Needs then are the basic things all people need to support life. We often think of needs as food, air, and water. Those are certainly needed for our survival, and we also need so much more to thrive and be fully alive.
The following are a few examples of needs: love, food, shelter, caring, collaboration, support, appreciation, to be heard, comfort.
When we understand that our behaviors are an attempt to meet our needs, we can become more skilled at choosing behaviors that will help us succeed at this. The result is more ease, fun, depth, and joy in our relationships and in our lives.
Needs connect us to our own and other people's humanness. It is the same thread that runs through all people, just as we all enjoy the same moon and sun.
Suppose your boss said the following to you.
If you want to advance in this company, you better start putting effort into your work.
What do you think your boss' needs are behind this statement?
Predictability.
Control.
Scare Tactic.
Reciprocity.
Reciprocity means to experience a similar return. In this case the boss could be asking the employee to match her contribution to the company with the contribution the company makes to her.
Another possibility:
I think it's possible that the boss could have a need for predictability. That means that he would like his employee to understand that there is a method for advancing within the company and the employee is not meeting the expectations.
I'm slow at learning this new computer program.What do you think your boss' needs are behind this statement
Self-deprecation.
Support.
Understanding.
Acceptance
Acceptance is a strong need that many people strive to meet. In this situation, I believe the speaker could very well be trying to meet his need for acceptance.
Other possibilities:
1. Understanding: Often people make self disparaging comments when they feel uncomfortable and want understanding. People who hear such a comment will likely say something like, "Oh no you don't!" Consider how you would feel if someone said this to you. Would it meet your needs for understanding? Or would it sound condescending to you? In the empathy section you'll learn more effective ways of responding to this type of statement.
2. Support: I think this person could actually be asking for support without directly requesting it.
Do you have any idea of the amount of extra work you've created?What do you think your boss' needs are behind this statement
Connection.
To be understood.
To be heard.
To be mean
I think it's entirely possible that this person wants you to understand how much effort and time it will take to complete the task you asked of her.
Other possibilities:
1. I think it's entirely possible that this person has a need to be heard. The sad thing is that she ensures that her need won't be met when she makes this statement! This is a clear example of a tragic expression of an unmet need. In the empathy section of this course, you will learn more effective methods for meeting your needs than lashing out at people.
2. I think the speaker has a need to connect with the other person. When she can't figure out how to connect, she lashes out.
See if you can identify the unmet needs a 12-year old child is trying to meet when she hits her younger sister.
What do you think your boss' needs are behind this statement .
Rebellion.
Fun.
Control.
Autonomy
Autonomy is a need that is often unmet in pre-teen and adolescents. So much of their life is spent doing what other people want and they are just beginning to understand their personal power. To meet their need for autonomy they often do things that parents call "acting out," such as hitting a younger sibling. When a parent takes the time to connect to the unmet need the child is trying to meet through their behavior, everyone has a greater opportunity for peaceful resolution.
Another bossibility:
Fun: I think it is also possible that this 12-year old girl wants fun and her younger sister is not helping her meet that need. Out of frustration and lack of tools to handle the situation differently, she hits her. When we focus on the unmet needs, we are not condoning the behavior, we are merely trying to understand what drives it.
Try to guess the needs a two year-old child is trying to meet when he stands in his crib and cries at the top of his lungs at 2:00 a.m.Any ideas? Choose from the following options and see how you do!
He's trying to make my life difficult..
He's hungry or thirsty..
He needs attention..
He's a bad toddler.
I think it is possible that he is hungry or thirsty. How will you find this out? Most parents will go to the child and do what they can to discern his need even though they are tired. If a child can't easily verbalize his needs, parents often spend time trying to figure it out. A parent might comfort him thinking he's scared, or put warmer pajamas on him thinking he's cold. Each time they try something new, the child let's them know whether they are responding to the unmet need. They will know they are on track when they receive a different response from him. In this case that might mean he stops crying.
Adult relationships can be like this too. Someone might say something to us and we guess their unmet need incorrectly. This is okay. In fact, it can be very helpful. Usually, when we guess incorrectly the person will provide additional information that helps us clarify the unmet need. Just demonstrating that you are trying to understand the other person can go a long way toward deeper connection!
Another possibilty: He needs attention.
Often children will cry when they are lonely and need attention, or when sad and need nurturing, or when scared and need comfort. Crying is the best method they have learned to meet these needs. Similarly, adults often yell when they need attention, or yell when they need nurturing, or yell when they need comfort.
So far so much
Take care 🙂
You got no choice
Bye!
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